My husband (Mike) and I didn’t start out our relationship in the traditional way a Christian marriage starts out. In fact, we didn’t start out living for Christ at all. We met at a bar and moved in together shortly after. In our opinion, it was love at first sight.

I grew up in a Christian home knowing Jesus-who He was and what He wanted for me. Mike didn’t grow up knowing Jesus. Sure, he had heard of Him, but didn’t KNOW Him. We forged ahead anyway. We thought we knew the way we wanted our future to go, and that was OUR way. We knew after we were married we didn’t want to get divorced. We were living on our love for each other, that was enough, right? We were planning our wedding for the next year and I became pregnant before we were married. Needless to say, plans changed. We moved our wedding up, got married, and we were on our way to happily ever after.

Fast forward a few years and two kids later and we were still doing things our way. Our way consisted of barely getting by in every area of our lives. A husband who was rarely home working 60-80 hours a week. A wife who was in retail management also working too many hours. What little time was left was focused on the kids-never on each other. The year was 2004, our kids were 4 and 7 months old and we no longer knew one another. What we did know about each other we didn’t like. Mike was angry and overworked, not pleasant to be around. I was depressed and constantly crying, not talking to him at all. I was at my wit's end. I was lost and didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I felt that still, small Voice constantly beckoning me to come back. Yet, I didn’t. I was ashamed, and honestly not sure why He would want me to turn back.

We were heading into the territory we said we wouldn’t. The one thing we knew we didn’t want - divorce. We said it far too often as we slung hurtful words at each other. I still remember THE FIGHT - the one that felt like the end – but in all reality was THE BEGINNING of where we are now. It was the fight to end all fights – and I gave Mike an ultimatum. He had one of three choices–

1.I was leaving and taking the kids with me, 2. I would stay and we could go to counseling together, 3. We could start going to church together.

He chose the one I never thought he would, option 3. (He will tell you now the reason he chose the third option was because he didn’t want to be counseled. Right after he makes that statement he is very quick to say that he started going to church and got counseled anyway. God has a sense of humor!!) We started going to church together as a family. Mike was baptized a few months after that. It took a little while, but we started listening and started making our marriage a priority. Before we started attending church and putting God and our marriage first – it was so easy for me to see the things Mike was doing wrong. After I started working on my relationship with God, it became crystal clear to me my part with the problems in our marriage. I wanted all the control – control in managing the household, in parenting our boys, and if I’m being honest, control over my husband. I was acting more like a mother than the partner God made me to be. I also had become resentful toward Mike for all the ways he wasn’t there for us. I had the opportunity daily to show him Christ, instead I showed him the worst parts of me.

Again, this was a journey and took time. We didn’t just snap our fingers and overnight everything changed. We started focusing on God and our family, and eventually we started remembering the reasons we fell in love in the first place. We started making the choice to love each other daily. We started getting to know each other better. I began to let go of the control over our lives. When I did, that made it easy for Mike to help more around the house and with the kids. Once we started growing closer to God we allowed Him to change us and breathe new life into our marriage. Mike started planning dates and overnight getaways for us. (I helped him out by making a list of fun date ideas). He still does this to this day and it has been amazing for our marriage. We knew we wanted to keep that original promise to each other–no divorce–but now we wanted so much more. We wanted to be the people God created us to be, and to have a marriage that would honor Him.

It is 20 years after THE FIGHT and I can honestly say I am so thankful we had that fight. A few weeks ago we celebrated 25 years of being married. When we had that fight, I’m not sure I would have believed we would have made it here. One thing I know is we still have much to learn in this life together, but we have learned so much over the years.

Here are a few things that I feel like we can share that have been helpful in our marriage.

1. God is first. Always. Hands down. This,for us, is a no brainer because for so long we tried to do this marriage without Him. It didn’t work. So we tried something different. He has healed this marriage in ways we never could have. Quite honestly, he continues to do it over and over again.

2. Pray together. This might be the most intimate thing you will do with one another. It’s vulnerable, but life-giving. Pray for each other, pray for your people (family, friends, etc). You will probably learn things about each other you didn’t know. This is the thing that has brought us the closest to one another. Do not be afraid of how you will sound or what to say. (Never criticize each other in this area, or it will cause hurt and apprehension for the injured party to want to pray out loud together)

3. Plan dates together weekly. You plan so many other things-this should be a priority. I hear so many couples say-we are too busy, we will do that after our kids are older. DO IT NOW! By the time your kids are older you may not know one another anymore. There are so many excuses not to do this-but if you want forever together you have to plan for it. You have to make time for one another. Even if your kids are little and there seems to be no time. Even if you don’t have much money. Your date nights can consist of going to grab a cup of coffee and doing the weekly grocery shopping together, or staying in and playing a game together. Focus on one another without distractions. Find time to listen to one another’s needs. These dates can be good check-in times with each other. Put the phones away! Just be present together-act like you did when you were dating.

4. Grow together - NOT apart. Find out what interests each of you have and spend time doing some of those things together. Spend time with other like-minded couples. Find couples who are in a stage of life ahead of you who can be godly mentors, find couples who are in the same stage of life as you who can come alongside you, and be willing to be an example to those couples who are younger than you. Study your partner like you would study your favorite subject. Have fun together! Laugh, be silly. Be there for one another in every season of life.

These are just a few things we have done. There are so many more we haven’t named. We are by no means perfect, and our marriage definitely isn’t. But I can say it is stronger than it was around the time we had that fight. Fight FOR your marriage, don’t fight each other. Love each other, even when it’s hard. Turn to each other and to God, and if necessary find a good Christian counselor. Just don’t give up! Keep working on forever together!