Messy Beautiful

2/1/2023

Written By:Nancy Purtlebaugh & Friends

God has been prompting me to write this exact devotion for a while. I have been putting it off though. Because this one hits home, and it’s hard. It’s messy and it’s also beautiful. But mostly messy.

This devotion is about grief. More specifically, losing someone you love. I know there are all kinds of things you can grieve, and I’m not discounting any of those. But this is about losing a person. I also got some help writing this from friends who have also experienced grief, so this was a collective effort.

I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Savior. (My Savior, My God-by Aaron Shust)

September 23, 2009 was a day much like any other. I was getting ready to take my youngest son to afternoon kindergarten, where I was also going to volunteer at the book fair. My phone rang, and I saw it was my mom and dad’s number.

I had just talked to my mom the night before, and quite honestly I was annoyed with her. I was running late, and I knew I didn’t have time to get into a conversation. Also, she would probably call 5 more times that day, like she always did. I picked it up anyway. Except it wasn’t my mom. It was my dad……..I think? He was crying uncontrollably and was incoherent.

“Dad, what is it?? I can’t understand you!” My dad never called, it was always my mom. I finally heard the words. “Mom’s gone.” At this point I’m yelling. “Dad, who?? Your mom? Mamaw is gone?”

Except deep down I knew. He wouldn’t be the one calling me.

“Daddy!!! Is it your mom or my mom?” I finally understood “Sis, it’s your mom.” Chaos then ensued. I called people I shouldn’t have. I tried to get ahold of my husband over and over again, knowing (yet forgetting) that he was in a yearly important meeting. I kept repeating…….my mom is dead. I don’t know if I needed to hear the words to believe them. I was a mess.

I was only 32 and my mom was only 56. My kids were 5 and 9. How would I tell them their Mamaw Diane was no longer here? How could I explain what I didn’t understand myself? How do you let go of the one who is always supposed to be there?

So many beautiful things happened in the middle of that mess. That song I quoted earlier played on the way out to my childhood home-I can’t hear it and not think of that exact moment. God was ever present and gave me a strength and peace I didn’t understand. I boldly prayed with my family when I got there, reminding them where my momma was because of her relationship with Jesus and where she would want them to be.

Guys, this was not me but the Holy Spirit - pure beauty. But I was a mess. Then at my mom’s funeral, my niece was reading one of my mom’s favorite passages of Scripture and broke down and couldn’t read. I went up and read it for her. Again, God.

We got through the funeral. Then less than 2 weeks later, on October 6th (my baby’s birthday) we got another life altering phone call. My aunt (my dad’s sister), who was like another mom to us, was killed in a car accident. My God, what in the world? What are you doing here?? I don’t understand!!! I had spent the last 2 weeks trying to navigate my mom’s death, now this?

But, God. And when I say this, hear me out. It was still messy, and it was still awful. However, God showed up in BIG ways. I couldn’t have gotten through that time in my life without my family, friends, and church family. I have since then been able to support others in their time of grief. I count that as beautiful.

I remember my friend Sarah reading a verse to me the night we lost my aunt:
But we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

I am no expert, but I do know you have to allow yourself the time and space to grieve the person you lost. We were made to live in community together, so even though death is natural, it doesn’t feel like it.

I know for me, grief felt like a part of me was gone and was never coming back. It felt like I was stuck, and everyone else around me was moving full speed ahead. I would wake up every night crying uncontrollably from a nightmare I couldn’t figure out how to wake up from. I felt alone and thought I wanted to be, but didn’t really. I would get anxious in big groups of people, and sometimes even in smaller groups.

There were so many who showed up and met me in the middle of my mess. And there were also those who pulled away. There were people who said things that were very hurtful (I’m sure now looking back, unintentionally so) that would cause me to retreat even further.

I know grief is uncomfortable to the person who isn’t going through it, or who has never gone through it. I also have heard many say they aren’t sure what to say or do in that situation. I have been able to think about things that can be helpful and hurtful to those around you who are grieving. I decided to ask the same question to people who have also gone through deep grief.

These are a few people who go to our church-male, female, younger, older-they have lost children, siblings, parents, and friends. Everyone grieves differently, so that’s why I wanted to get different thoughts, but the question was the same - What advice would you give to a person who is trying to support someone who is grieving? With that question, and the answers that were given we came up with a list of how to be helpful, rather than hurtful.

1. Just Show Up (This was said by every single person, but in different ways)

-Just be a listening ear when they want to talk. Be available for them to lean on and remind them you are always there. - Jenni

-Be someone who offers to just sit in silence together so the grieving person doesn’t feel so alone. Be a shoulder to cry on, or the one to wipe away the tears. -Teresa.

-The best thing to do is communicate you are there for them. That could look like dropping off a meal, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to scream with. -Kara

-What helped me most was just having friends around me that I could hang out with and get my mind off things. -Kody

-Always show you are there and are supporting them. -Taylor

-For me it was meeting me where I was at, meeting me in my mess. -Nancy


2. Check In Often

-Grieving people, even those who are Jesus followers, can be led down a dark path. I’ve been there done that. You have to find ways to dig yourself out, so make sure to check in on them. -Suzanne

-The best thing to do is know how they want to be supported. Patience is always necessary, since they may not know how they will need supported. So checking in often to see how they can best be supported is needed. -Kara

-Offering your help to them often to reassure them it’s okay to need help. -Jenni

-I felt alone often, so having people just text or call made me feel seen. -Nancy

-I needed to stay busy, whether that was working or someone going to dinner and just sitting saying nothing at all, which was better than sitting around the house thinking about it all the time. -Mike

3. Judgment Free Zone

-A grieving person often is foggy and has trouble making decisions. Let them off the hook. They might change their minds. Be okay with that. They might need help making simple decisions. If you are able to help them with that, do so. -Margie

-It was helpful when people allowed me to talk, rant, cry or nothing at all. I fought being able to be vulnerable and weak in front of others. The best support was when others forced their love on me, didn’t stop hugging me or didn’t allow me to walk away from something that needed to be faced. Know that grief never ends. Like an ocean, it can be wild, roaring and deadly; or it can be calm, serene, and inviting. -Kara

-The grieving person will feel mad, sad, questioning themselves, God, their faith and strength. If I felt judged because of my feelings then it would make me retreat more. -Teresa

4. Talk About their Loved One

-I think people want to avoid talking about it at all. I want people to talk about Kyle. People need to hear about their loved ones they have lost. People may have stories you haven’t heard about them and they are important to hear. =Suzanne

**I (Nancy) have heard this across the board from every single person who has lost someone. People might want to avoid the pain they feel from losing their loved one, but they always love talking about them or hearing stories about them.

5. Things to Avoid

**Remember the most important thing is being there for them. So don’t avoid being around them just because you are afraid you will say or do the wrong thing.

-Please don’t compare the loved one’s death with something you are going through–like an animal dying, or divorce, or a lost job, etc. It just isn’t the same. -Taylor

-Something that didn’t help me was constantly hearing he was in a better place. We knew that, but to us, at that time the best place was for him to be with us. -Mike

-It didn’t help me when others kept saying “sorry for your loss” all the time. Maybe instead, just show your love. -Jenni

-Don’t try to rush someone through grief just because it’s uncomfortable for you. This is their journey, not yours. -Nancy

This list is not comprehensive of all types of grief or all advice to be given. I think I could write a book on this subject (with the help of others). I will reiterate - just be there in whatever way they need, which takes patience and communication. Pray with them and for them. Intercession on their behalf is the very best thing you can do. The beautiful part of all of this mess is that YOU get to love them through it. You get to walk alongside them in the most difficult time in their life, and they will NEVER forget the beauty of how God put you there. Please never forget to remind them God sees them and understands better than they know. As my friend Suzanne said- “Being mad at God is okay. He has big shoulders and He knows how you feel. He lost his son also.”

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4